China -Its all in the cracking ! Internal Traveller

So this time an internal Travel post !


So since July it seems that the Universe and all the guiding forces have been conspiring to crack me wide open . But not in one foul swoop , no a slow , consistent tapping and then a breaking , sharp fragile edges against which Ive been leaning , pieces breaking and falling when I least expect it - bringing tears in public places , outbursts of rage and unrecognizable , irretrievable words streaming from my mouth .
Thank Buddha some pieces have broken off completely , disintegrated or simply disappeared and not too many were annihilated in the process - in fact no one was - just me - mostly old parts of myself. A merciful breaking - this time around !


July seems to be a time of breaking for me and yet after so many July's I still happen to question my sanity ,  my path and my  choices that  I've made and are making .  Really ??  , surely this pattern is evident through the years .
But when you are deep within your own internal chaos and navigating the dark corners trying to shine a flicker of light - when no one is around to hold a candle for you , light a match - darkness becomes your friend , sadness your boyfriend and you tend to dwell on the hard sofa of your soul watching the same movie over and over - RePEat !

Mars sits uncomfortably in Cancer in my chart , so July always brings the deep desired fleeing feeling - and in retrospect - many July's have brought me to new homes or new places.
This year I stayed in Beijing , in my apartment , in my room , in my head - which was possibly the worst space to to spend any length of time in.  Accompanied by the heat , pollution and 22 million people insanity was coursing through my blood and I kept reminding myself of the insanity lurking deep in my DNA. Was this it , the moment ? This is the end of my story ?
And then there it is - the mess is not so messy , a friend , a helping hand , a kindred spirit , a smile and I feel relieved as I connect and remove myself from my self created separateness .

So now finally as we sweep into October and the mild , forgiving , gentleness of Autumn I feel a clearing , a  new space created , Old paradigms broken down and new opportunities to grow riding on the morning air.
Autumns broom sweeps clean I dearly  hope or I'll just have to fly off on it - into new horizons ! But not quite ready to be on the road again - some rest , some respite and some nurturing is needed . There is a tiny new flame burning - in the belly - just a spark !
Time to  keep building on the dream of my life , write a new story as a new me starts emerging slowly letting the chains of all the old paradigms go - evolving into who knows what will be .
It does not really matter - does it ? Anywhere , everything , all knowing , all is right here , with me , in this moment - showing up .  Right now its perfect - Face to face - me , myself and China.

China is not quite done being my teacher - Damn !

What the Hell China !?

What the hell China - what is this strange love affair we have ?
Back in bustling Beijing after 6 months in the Southern hemisphere , jumping between South Africa and South America .

Beijing makes me smile despite the pollution , the noise, the traffic - a blue sky day and all is forgotten. An old lady smiles, a child happily singing , a man asleep in the bed in IKEA , the dancing ladies in Nan Guang- there is something deep and mysterious , something normal and familiar , something real and in your face about China.


Each day a new surprise - standing at Dongzhimen station and feeling the vibration through the sidewalk of the subway underneath whilst looking up and seeing birds inspect the first blossoms of spring.
Hello Kitty Balloons stuck in a tree and scraggly feral cats roaming the park and the parking lot near my apartment.

The couple walking their dog all three of them in blue coats , a wedding photo shoot on the steps of the crawfish restaurant , people eating , eating , Beijing is full, vibrant and the epitome of change.
Change , change - flowing naturally like a river.
Beijing such a beauty yet a beast !