China -Its all in the cracking ! Internal Traveller

So this time an internal Travel post !


So since July it seems that the Universe and all the guiding forces have been conspiring to crack me wide open . But not in one foul swoop , no a slow , consistent tapping and then a breaking , sharp fragile edges against which Ive been leaning , pieces breaking and falling when I least expect it - bringing tears in public places , outbursts of rage and unrecognizable , irretrievable words streaming from my mouth .
Thank Buddha some pieces have broken off completely , disintegrated or simply disappeared and not too many were annihilated in the process - in fact no one was - just me - mostly old parts of myself. A merciful breaking - this time around !


July seems to be a time of breaking for me and yet after so many July's I still happen to question my sanity ,  my path and my  choices that  I've made and are making .  Really ??  , surely this pattern is evident through the years .
But when you are deep within your own internal chaos and navigating the dark corners trying to shine a flicker of light - when no one is around to hold a candle for you , light a match - darkness becomes your friend , sadness your boyfriend and you tend to dwell on the hard sofa of your soul watching the same movie over and over - RePEat !

Mars sits uncomfortably in Cancer in my chart , so July always brings the deep desired fleeing feeling - and in retrospect - many July's have brought me to new homes or new places.
This year I stayed in Beijing , in my apartment , in my room , in my head - which was possibly the worst space to to spend any length of time in.  Accompanied by the heat , pollution and 22 million people insanity was coursing through my blood and I kept reminding myself of the insanity lurking deep in my DNA. Was this it , the moment ? This is the end of my story ?
And then there it is - the mess is not so messy , a friend , a helping hand , a kindred spirit , a smile and I feel relieved as I connect and remove myself from my self created separateness .

So now finally as we sweep into October and the mild , forgiving , gentleness of Autumn I feel a clearing , a  new space created , Old paradigms broken down and new opportunities to grow riding on the morning air.
Autumns broom sweeps clean I dearly  hope or I'll just have to fly off on it - into new horizons ! But not quite ready to be on the road again - some rest , some respite and some nurturing is needed . There is a tiny new flame burning - in the belly - just a spark !
Time to  keep building on the dream of my life , write a new story as a new me starts emerging slowly letting the chains of all the old paradigms go - evolving into who knows what will be .
It does not really matter - does it ? Anywhere , everything , all knowing , all is right here , with me , in this moment - showing up .  Right now its perfect - Face to face - me , myself and China.

China is not quite done being my teacher - Damn !