So the last few days have been intense, full moon, eclipse, blood moon and the deep desire to flee or hide or even jump off a bridge. Somehow the "normality" of it all strikes you when you stop for a minute and observe the routine I have so quickly slipped into once again.
The mind is constantly rearranging , making sense , finding ways to safely categorize everything but not this time. This time the filing system seems to be a little messy, not sure where things need to go, which need to be safely filed away , addressed or completely be deleted.
Dongzhimen bridge is too low - I will seriously damage a car and then have to fork out a vast amount of RMB on top of a hospital bill.
For those of you that don't know me , I do occasionally suffer from deep futility - from what is the point ? What am I doing , and why am Im doing it here.
If I could keep traveling I would, but I need respite , rest , a cupboard , a bed and a cat - what for others is their day to day lives is for me a sweet moment in time where I can dream once more of leaving.
So two days confined to my laptop , an empty apartment ( one flat mate is in Italy , the other well who knows where Little Fish is lurking) and I'm barely breathing under the severity of the travel bug .
Sharp and starving there is nothing to feed him , no endless exploration online can even for a moment appease the hunger . Starving the bug to death is impossible - this will kill us both .
And in the moments of searching Japan, Mongolia for few scraps to feed the bug I stumble across and ex - work mate here from China and read his blog - I know I am not alone.
Somehow even though so many I know live with this same way of looking at the world I still know we feel alone in our quest for meaning . Don't get me wrong - it is a curse as well as a blessing.
Happiness is long found - it's the stare out the train window in Vietnam , eating Pho Ba for the first time in the streets of Saigon , the sunrise at Angkor wat , the deep orange of monk robes against the grey stone , the morning solstice mist at Macchu Picchu , the hot volcanic sand of Santorini, the devotional air of Varanasi , the cobbles stoned streets of Prague , the sweet smell of heather and rain in the Scottish highlands - this is my happiness.
China , Beijing right now you need to feed this bug - keep it happy , keep it alive - till we both head off for new adventures.
But will I have to slow down , stop - feed the bug one cuisine - plans to relocate to Peru feel right , to build a home -stop - but will it be enough ?
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